Dear Readers,
I recently listened to a wonderful podcast of Brené Brown and Adam Grant on Empathy. In it, these brilliant academics had an engaging discussion as to what constitutes Empathy – both in personal matters and in the workplace.
Listening to this podcast I reflected on and was struck by the reality that it is rare that one finds a Family Law lawyer or Family Law Mediator who is empathic!
In the 40+ years of my profession, I have observed that there have been a very small number of lawyers and Mediators who have shown empathy in their work. On the other hand, I am pleased to say that Ms. Brown’s and Mr. Grant’s podcast confirmed to me that, indeed, I am empathic in my dealings with people and my profession.
It is a sad fact that, among many lawyers – including Family Law lawyers, Mediators and Arbitrators – empathy is not one of their skills. Instead, surprisingly, lawyers often exhibit poor listening skills (i.e. talk rather than listen to their clients), exhibit traits that include bullying, aggressiveness, ‘holier-than-thou’, braggadocio, competitiveness, insensitiveness, and telling the client what to do, including some lawyers who call themselves collaborative lawyers. This in my view is shocking, especially in Family Law matters.
In my view, Empathy is an essential trait of the good Family Law Lawyer.
Family Law, in my view, is 90% emotional and 10% legal (see my blog at www.annefreed.com/2017/09), and it’s the emotional part that causes the most complications, adversariness, and costs of the Family Law case. For example – using the fictional names “Harry” and “Sally” – Harry had a successful business, and Sally was a stay-at-home mother after the kids grew up and left the home. Sally found out that the husband was having an affair with his secretary and became furious. Sally went to a high-priced lawyer known for “winning” his cases. Sally broke down in tears when she told the lawyer the story. Sally told the lawyer that she wanted to destroy the husband because of what he did. The lawyer – known for ‘winning’ his cases – said okay and requested (and received) a huge retainer to accomplish what Sally wanted. In contrast – had I been the lawyer in this case – I would have listened carefully to Sally, shown empathy to her, and explained to her that by “destroying the husband” would destroy his financial success and thereby destroy her claim for spousal support!
A good family law lawyer must be a good listener. She listens to the clients’ words, their tone, and indeed their physical movements. Of course, this also goes for Mediation. This is necessary to help parties reach their objectives.
Listening to Ms. Brown’s podcast, it confirms what I already know, that, in fact, I am one of a small subset of Family Law lawyers who use empathy in their cases.
This does not mean that using Empathy means these lawyers are “touchy-feely” or cross the line to “therapizing” or “social working” their clients! There is a line that good Lawyers and Mediators know not to cross. However, the Lawyer and Mediator must listen their clients, and exercise Empathy. This will help the lawyer get to the heart of the matter necessary to help the parties reach a settlement that is satisfactory to both parties.
For those of you interested in using Mediation for your Divorce or Separation issues, feel free to email me at anne@annefreed.com to schedule your complimentary touch base with me.
P.S. See Ms. Brown’s podcast at: https://brenebrown.com/podcast/the-skillsets-of-empathy-part-5-of-6/
Until next time!
Anne
Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice, as well as over 38 years’ experience in the practice of Family Law, Mediation and Arbitration. Anne is also a Certified Specialist in Family Mediation (FDRP Med) and OAFM Accredited Family Mediator (AccFM).
© Anne E. Freed, October 2025
416-368-0700
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