In the doom and gloom of our Toronto weather and our universal depression about our Blue Jays’ loss, I thought I’d take you back to our wonderful 2019 Raptors win and my blog (published during that time). In it, I highlighted Kawhi Leonard’s and Kyle Lowry’s wonderful Mediation skills. I utilize these skills as part of my toolbox in my Divorce Mediation work. Here is my blog.
Dear Readers (from my blog of June 25th, 2019),
I, as many of you, have been caught up in the recent excitement of the Toronto Raptors’ finals and ultimate winning of the NBA championship! For one week all of Canada was united in our pride and joy of our Raptors’ win. Of all online discussions of our team’s route to this fabulous win, a simple event – a text from Kawhi to Kyle – resonated with me. Doug Smith of the Toronto Star wrote a wonderful essay on this on Saturday, June 15th (press the link – headline – below) with the headline:
“I texted Kyle probably a day later – or the day that I got traded – and told him. I said: Let’s go out and do something special. I know your best friend left, I know you’re mad, but let’s make this thing work out.”
Kawhi’s simple text, along with both players’ common objective of “striving for excellence,” paved the way for a strong friendship between the two men, and as well in my view, for the ultimate win by the Raptors. By Kawhi’s text to Lowry he demonstrated – par excellence – the very best traits of an excellent mediator! These include:
1. Kawhi showed huge empathy to Kyle for Kyle’s natural upset over the trade of his best friend and fantastic player DeMar DeRozan.
2. He showed understanding of Kyle’s wants, needs and interests in this.
3. Kawhi “framed” his text in considerate and tactful wording.
4. He included in his text both men’s common objective to pursue excellence: “Let’s go out and do something special.”
5. Kawhi showed respect to Lowry by his decision to send the text.
6. Kawhi’s timing of his text, right at day 1 of the trade, was right on and key to the successes that followed.
Kyle Lowry, on his part, affirmed the positive effects on him of Mr. Leonard’s action:
“When he texted me it was a quick text, and just showed the type of person he is… Willing to reach out, understanding that this situation was a little bit sensitive. But he knew that he felt something could be done special with our group.”
In my view, Kawhi’s action and timing in sending this simple text, was nothing short of brilliant. It paved the way for a strong and positive connection between the two men, which in turn paved the way for a close-knit team, which in turn paved the way for the Raptors’ magnificent win on Thursday, June 13th, 2019. This, in turn, paved the way for the unification of our entire country! The phenomenal outcomes are a potent illustration of what can be accomplished in the hands of a skilled mediator.
I recommend that Kawhi’s text be used as an excellent teaching tool in Mediation courses. Also, I will use this in my Family Law Mediations as a starting point for the parties, as it demonstrates to the parties how a mediation process works and its potential – when done properly – for win-win results by both. Where the parties have children, I stress to them their common objective – their children’s best interests. I utilize this to remind the parties of why they are here and what they want to accomplish at the end of the mediation.
Kawhi Leonard showed skills that the parties themselves should also employ in the mediation. When both parties and the mediator utilize these skills, this makes for a very positive and respectful process and maximizes the chances for success.
In a recent mediation of mine, each party was considerate and respectful of the other. Each was empathetic, and put themselves in the other’s shoes. Each framed their words in considerate and tactful wording. The parties defined at the outset their common objective of reaching a result that would be fair to both and which would preserve the respect and friendship the two had. They hoped that the process would enable them to have an ongoing friendship. In the result, they reached agreement they both were satisfied with and remained continuing friends to this day.
When I act as a Mediator I employ all of the above skills. Having accomplished my Master’s of Law in Alternate Dispute Resolution (ADR), I had the golden opportunity to reflect on and fine tune the skills necessary for a successful mediator. Kawhi Leonard’s action and its results have provided a shining example of the potential of mediation – when properly used – for optimal results.
If you or your friends are going through a martial breakdown, divorce or separation, I urge you to call me to discuss Mediation as a possible – and positive! – process for you to resolve your matter.
A FINAL NOTE: Kawhi Leonard showed quietness and reserve throughout the games. In his accomplishment here he has shown himself to be a man of few words, but the RIGHT WORDS!
Until next time!
Anne
Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice, as well as over 38 years’ experience in the practice of Family Law, Mediation and Arbitration. Anne is also a Certified Specialist in Family Mediation (FDRP Med) and OAFM Accredited Family Mediator (AccFM).
Family Law is unlike any other areas of law in that there is an emotional aspect that must be considered by Family Law lawyers and Mediators due to its integral effect on the outcomes of negotiations toward a Separation Agreement. I’ve chosen today’s subject from my collection of blogs. Enjoy!
Dear Readers (from my blog of September 26th, 2017):
Welcome to my fall newsletter and blog. I’ve concluded, having practised as a divorce lawyer for 36 years, that family law and divorce matters are 90% emotional and 10% law. Also, when a case is called complex, I believe it’s the emotional part that is the complicating factor, rather than the law.
“WOMAN REJECTS $1BN DIVORCE SETTLEMENT AS JUDGE WARNS TRIAL ISN’T GOING TO BE PLEASANT.”
I came across the above headline recently on Facebook. It drew my immediate attention. New Yorker Harry Macklowe, 80, offered his wife Linda, 79, almost half his fortune to settle, but Linda wanted to go to Court. Manhattan Justice Laura Drager warned the couple: “Your personal lives, business assets, everything will be displayed for everyone to see, and… “I am concerned about what your expectations are for what this trial is going to be like. It is not going to be a pleasant experience.”
Linda is believed to have been angry due to Harry’s leaving her for a woman 20 years younger.
This case is a graphic example of my theory that divorce/family law is 90% emotional and 10% law. Hence lies the complexity, and along with that, the cost,
Experts can be retained for complex financial issues: business valuators to value a business, real estate appraisers to value real estate, and accountants to assess self-employment incomes. Divorce lawyers are experts in the law, however often have received no training in emotional dynamics. Yet we must conduct our cases with full awareness and ongoing sensitivity to the constantly changing emotions at play.
The collaborative process recognizes this, and mental health professionals can be retained as part of the multidisciplinary team. However, they are not always retained by the clients. Collaborative and mediation train lawyers to put on a ‘different hat’ and to explore and be aware of the emotional underpinnings of their cases. They must explore the “whys” of their clients’ instructions, rather than simply take instructions.
Even if mental health professionals are retained, family law lawyers must still conduct their cases with a kind of emotional expertise and awareness that is to be distinguished from therapists’ expertise.
Also, legal fees will increase exponentially with the “emotionality” of the case. Examples include:
1. Wife finds out that her husband is having an affair with his secretary. She hires a lawyer stating: “I want to destroy him!” In this case it’s the duty, in my view, of the wife’s lawyer to explore with her the underlying reasons for her instructions and not to simply ask for a huge retainer to carry them out.
2. When a husband can’t let go emotionally of his wife, therefore allowing ongoing delay in his case to the point that Court litigation must be commenced because the legal limitation period is almost up.
An example where legal fees did not escalate is the following:
The parties had had a lengthy common law relationship which had broken down irretrievably. They retained me as their mediator to help them negotiate a separation agreement. Both parties acknowledged that they were hurting emotionally. It was essential that I was always cognizant of this emotional dynamic, as it sometimes was “the elephant in the room.” I used caucusing (i.e. meeting with each party separately), as an effective way of addressing, separately each party’s emotional pain. At the same time, both were determined to be respectful of each other. They worked at resolving the legal issues in as positive and constructive a way possible. As a result, they reached solutions they both could live with. As well, their fees were cost-efficient.
One might erroneously conclude, following from my 90/10 theory, that a therapist and not a lawyer should be retained to help parties resolve their matrimonial matters. The problem with this is, while emotions color and often inform the legal matters, the issues which must be resolved are legal issues, requiring legal expertise. They include the issues of child support, spousal support, marriage contracts (“pre-nups”), distribution of property, etc.
Also, emotion directly impacts on the legal issues. For example, in the case of the wife who says she wants to destroy her husband. She is legally entitled to spousal support. However, if she destroys her husband financially, she will get nothing!
I will be continuing to write to you about this subject, as it is in my view a phenomenon that needs to be explored in depth. Stay tuned for more to come!
Until next time!
Anne
Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice, as well as over 38 years’ experience in the practice of Family Law, Mediation and Arbitration. Anne is also a Certified Specialist in Family Mediation (FDRP Med) and OAFM Accredited Family Mediator (AccFM).
As the New Year approaches, we all start thinking about our resolutions. These may include decisions to separate or divorce. See my blog below which discusses the importance of informing oneself of one’s rights and obligations before making this important decision.
Dear Readers (from my blog of January 2018),
The New Year is quickly approaching, and perhaps you are already considering your resolutions for 2026.
With the New Year often come resolutions – to be healthier, to be happier, to work less, to work more, and so on.
The resolution to be happier may include that you’ve reached an awareness that your marriage is not working and that you, or both you and your spouse, are unhappy. You don’t know what to do, you are stressed out, anxious, not even sure you want to separate, worried that there’s lots that you may lose and lots at stake, including the security and well-being of your children and including what will happen to your assets, especially your home.
Your friends – and perhaps your therapist if you have one – may have suggested that you see a lawyer. You are very worried about doing this as you feel that taking this step will mean that you have made the final decision to end your marriage and that there’s no turning back. This may feel like you would be “putting the nail on the coffin!”
In fact, an initial meeting with a lawyer is a positive step, and here’s why:
The lawyer (he or she; I will use she) will ask you your objectives, and where you feel you are at on the continuum of decision making – undecided, ambivalent or decided.
She will review with you in detail the facts of your situation. Your meeting will be strictly confidential. In fact, your spouse will never know about it if you don’t wish to tell him or her.
She will tell you that you have many options, called “process options,” should you decide to separate. They include using mediation, arbitration, traditional negotiation, collaborative practice or court. See “The Six Process Options”on my website and also my article: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”
The lawyer will work with you to help you decide which process option would be best for you and your children.
She will discuss with you various possible strategies moving forward, for example, the different ways your spouse can be presented with your decision. She will help you choose the optimal way for you and your family.
The lawyer will provide you with legal advice – based on your objectives, the facts and your situation – regarding child custody and support, spousal support and what would happen to your assets. This will include of course a discussion regarding your matrimonial home, and how that would be dealt with at law.
Conclusion: You will leave your lawyer’s office holding the most important asset you need at this point: Knowledge! Equipped with this new information, you will find yourself in a far better position than before your visit. You will be able to reflect in a calmer manner and decide on what your next steps will be, whether to remain in the marriage but with a better knowledge of your/ your spouse’s respective rights and obligations should you separate, or whether to start preparing the steps to leave your marriage.
I’ve seen clients leave our initial consultation with their heads held higher and often smiling. This is because they are now more focused and have a much better understanding of their situation and where to go, or not go, from here.
In fact, it often seems that clients leave the first meeting a head taller! This is because, to use the wise old adage: Knowledge is Power! I’ve met with people who’ve called me a few days later ready to start the process to separate, people who have kept my card and called me a year or even five years later, and people I don’t hear from again.
So, in conclusion dear readers, for those of you or your friends who are in this situation, I urge you to take the positive step of meeting with a lawyer.
Until next time!
Anne
Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution (ADR), Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice, as well as over 38 years’ experience in the practice of Family Law, Mediation and Arbitration. Anne is also a Certified Specialist in Family Mediation (FDRP Med) and OAFM Accredited Family Mediator (AccFM).
