DOES HAVING A FIRST MEETING WITH A DIVORCE LAWYER MEAN THAT YOUR MARRIAGE IS OVER?

Jun 4, 2018

Dear Readers,

Welcome – finally – to spring, or shall we say summer!

“Does having a first meeting with a divorce lawyer mean that your marriage is over ?” I will discuss today’s topic using the following hypothetical scenario:

The client – Joan – has delayed coming in to see the divorce lawyer – Liz Smith for – for precisely this reason. Joan is not ready yet to end the marriage. Also, Joan thinks she will have to retain Liz for the whole case if she decides to proceed. Both assumptions are incorrect, for the following reasons:

• The purpose of the initial consultation is to provide information to Joan about her various process options should she decide to separate. They include mediation, traditional negotiation, collaborative law or Court. Also, Joan will discuss her situation with Liz, and from that, Liz will advise Joan of her and her spouse’s respective rights and obligations should they separate, and also about child custody matters.
• The second purpose is for Joan to get a feel as to whether Liz could be the right lawyer for her, should Joan decide to proceed with a separation. ANSWER: There is no obligation for Joan to hire Liz after this meeting. However, the meeting does provide Joan with a good opportunity to see if Liz could be the right lawyer for her.
• Also, a concern that many people have which holds them back from setting up a first meeting is: “Will my spouse find out about this meeting?” ANSWER: NO. The initial consultation and all communications between Joan and Liz, are strictly confidential and will be so forever whether or not Joan sees Liz again. Therefore, Joan’s spouse Jim will never know about this meeting, unless of course Joan wants to tell him.

So the answer, Dear Readers, is a resounding No! The initial consultation does not mean the marriage is over! In fact, for many people, it’s a positive experience.

Of course, the decision to schedule the first meeting with a lawyer is a difficult one, and takes immense courage in the face of the stressful situation they are in.

However, I’m pleased to say that almost always in my 37 years of practice, I have found that once a person takes this initial step, her/his demeanour changes in the course of our meeting, from sad, fearful and as if under a dark cloud, to more confident and as if the cloud has lifted and the sun’s come out!

In our scenario, Joan leaves the meeting in a far better place than she was at the start. She now has the information she needs to be able to decide whether to stay in the marriage or leave, or she can keep her new information in her back pocket to take out perhaps at a later date. To use the old adage: “Knowledge is Power!”

In addition, as Joan has a good feeling about Liz, she has taken care of a key matter when one separates: the decision as to whom her lawyer will be.

Next topic: how does one choose the lawyer or mediator to see for the initial consultation? Stay tuned!

Please feel free to pass this article on to friends or colleagues who may be considering but fearful of taking this step.

And finally, just a gentle note that referrals for my family law or mediation services are much appreciated!

Until next time!

Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice

© Anne E. Freed, June, 2018

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“KILL ALL THE LAWYERS!”

Mar 12, 2018

“KILL ALL THE LAWYERS!” That’s the theme of Season 2 of the popular TV show – “The Good Fight” – which aired this month. I’m sure the ratings will be good!

As a lawyer, I ask: Why is there seemingly such a “hate on” by the public for lawyers? I surmise that, one reason is, that lawyers are expensive. Especially in divorce matters, fees can run up into many thousands of dollars.

So, let’s pose the question: is it a given that your divorce will be expensive?

Consider what’s at stake – including the many years of building the relationship and all its complex components, including the children and their care, health and employment issues, properties amassed and debts incurred. It’s logical that the work necessary to help you extricate from this complex structure and build with you a new and satisfactory (to you) legal structure going forward, will also be complex, and therefore not ‘cheap.’

So, you ask, is there any way to keep the costs down in Family Law matters? The answer, dear Readers, is a resounding YES! The following are some ways you can keep your costs down in your divorce:

1. Organize your financial papers before you see your lawyer. Chronologies are good. Bringing a shoebox full of papers to your lawyer is not cost effective!
2. See a therapist while you’re going through the separation and divorce process. As you all know, there are complex emotions happening when one decides to separate. Seeing a therapist is cost efficient as it will lower the time you will need to spend on this important part, in your lawyer’s office.
3. Consider using Mediation. This is a process where a third party sits down with both spouses and helps them resolve the legal and financial issues arising from their separation. The mediator usually charges half her hourly rate to each party: this can result in large cost saving to the parties. (Note: Mediation is not appropriate in all situations.)
4. Hire an experienced family law lawyer to be your mediator. When I am retained as the mediator for the parties, I provide them with a great deal of legal information, stopping just short of legal advice [as not allowed by the Law Society]. Much of my process as a mediator for both parties is the same as when I’m acting as a lawyer for one party. This includes working with the parties to gather the necessary financial information, and informing them of the law.
5. Your mediator should also be an experienced ADR professional i.e. have extensive training and experience in Alternative Dispute Resolution. This specialized expertise will enable your mediator, in addition to considering the law, to consider also each party’s respective needs and interests, which may be outside of the law. This will help the parties negotiate a settlement satisfactory to both.
6. With your mediator, you and your spouse can work out a great deal of the issues, so that less time needs to be spent by each to obtain “ILA” (independent legal advice) from your respective lawyers, during or at the end of the process.

These are my tips for today, dear Readers, to keep your costs down in a divorce. I have many more suggestions, to be explored in future articles.  For related and useful articles, see my blog posts at www.annefreed.com/blog.

Until next time!

Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice

© Anne E. Freed, March, 2018

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SEE MY LIVE VIDEO CHAT WITH KARYN FILIATRAULT ABOUT NAVIGATING SEPARATION AND DIVORCE

Feb 5, 2018

Dear Friends,

On January 30th, 2018, I was featured in a LIVE VIDEO with my friend Karyn Filiatrault, involving a LIVE conversation between Karyn and myself as a senior family law lawyer and mediator, about navigating separation and divorce. If you or someone you know is going through this difficult life change, I shared with Karyn some valuable information that Karyn wished someone had shared with her when she was going through this years ago. We chatted about questions to ask a divorce lawyer, what your options are, what you should NOT do, what happens to your home, and more. Grab a glass of wine and enjoy the video. Please feel free to pass this on.

Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice

© Anne E. Freed, February 2018

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KNOWLEDGE IS POWER, WHEN ONE IS CONSIDERING SEPARATING FROM ONE’S SPOUSE OR PARTNER

Jan 31, 2018

Dear Readers,

Firstly, I want to wish you all a Healthy and Happy New Year!  With the New Year often come resolutions – to be healthier, to be happier, to work less, to work more, and so on.

The resolution to be happier may include that you’ve reached an awareness that your marriage is not working and that you, or both you and your spouse, are unhappy. You don’t know what to do, you are stressed out, anxious, not even sure you want to separate, worried that there’s lots that you may lose and lots at stake, including the security and well-being of your children and including what will happen to your assets, especially your home.

Your friends – and perhaps your therapist if you have one – may have suggested that you see a lawyer. You are very worried about doing this as you feel that taking this step will mean that you have made the final decision to end your marriage and that there’s no turning back. This may feel like you would be “putting the nail on the coffin!”

In fact, an initial meeting with a lawyer is a positive step, and here’s why:

• The lawyer (he or she; I will use she) will ask you your objectives, and where you feel you are at on the continuum of decision making – undecided, ambivalent or decided.
• She will review with you in detail the facts of your situation. Your meeting will be strictly confidential. In fact, your spouse will never know about it if you don’t wish to tell him or her.
• She will tell you that you have many options, called “process options,” should you decide to separate. They include using mediation, arbitration, traditional negotiation, collaborative practice or court. See “The Six Process Options” on my website and also my article: “50 Ways to Leave Your Lover.”
• The lawyer will work with you to help you decide which process option would be best for you and your children.
• She will discuss with you various possible strategies moving forward, for example, the different ways your spouse can be presented with your decision. She will help you choose the optimal way for you and your family.
• The lawyer will provide you with legal advice – based on your objectives, the facts and your situation – regarding child custody and support, spousal support and what would happen to your assets. This will include of course a discussion regarding your matrimonial home, and how that would be dealt with at law.
• Conclusion: You will leave your lawyer’s office holding the most important asset you need at this point: Knowledge! Equipped with this new information, you will find yourself in a far better position than before your visit. You will be able to reflect in a calmer manner and decide on what your next steps will be, whether to remain in the marriage but with a better knowledge of your/ your spouse’s respective rights and obligations should you separate, or whether to start preparing the steps to leave your marriage.

I’ve seen clients leave our initial consultation with their heads held higher and often smiling. This is because they are now more focused and have a much better understanding of their situation and where to go, or not go, from here.

In fact, it often seems that clients leave the first meeting a head taller! This is because, to use the wise old adage: Knowledge is Power!  I’ve met with people who’ve called me a few days later ready to start the process to separate, people who have kept my card and called me a year or even five years later, and people I don’t hear from again.

So, in conclusion dear readers, for those of you or your friends who are in this situation, I urge you to take the positive step of meeting with a lawyer.

Next article: Meeting with the lawyer: How do you decide who you will meet with? Stay tuned…!

Until next time!

Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice

© Anne E. Freed, January 2018

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FAMILY LAW AND DIVORCE MATTERS ARE 90% EMOTIONAL AND 10% LAW.    © ANNE FREED

Sep 26, 2017

Dear Readers,

Welcome to my fall newsletter and blog. I’ve concluded, having practised as a divorce lawyer for 36 years, that family law and divorce matters are 90% emotional and 10% law. Also, when a case is called complex, I believe it’s the emotional part that is the complicating factor, rather than the law.

“WOMAN REJECTS $1BN DIVORCE SETTLEMENT AS JUDGE WARNS TRIAL ISN’T GOING TO BE PLEASANT.”  

I came across the above headline recently on Facebook.  It drew my immediate attention. New Yorker Harry Macklowe, 80, offered his wife Linda, 79, almost half his fortune to settle, but Linda wanted to go to Court. Manhattan Justice Laura Drager warned the couple: “Your personal lives, business assets, everything will be displayed for everyone to see, and… “I am concerned about what your expectations are for what this trial is going to be like. It is not going to be a pleasant experience.”

Linda is believed to have been angry due to Harry’s leaving her for a woman 20 years younger.

This case is a graphic example of my theory that divorce/family law is 90% emotional and 10% law. Hence lies the complexity, and along with that, the cost,

Experts can be retained for complex financial issues: business valuators to value a business, real estate appraisers to value real estate, and accountants to assess self-employment incomes. Divorce lawyers are experts in the law, however often have received no training in emotional dynamics. Yet we must conduct our cases with full awareness and ongoing sensitivity to the constantly changing emotions at play.

The collaborative process recognizes this, and mental health professionals can be retained as part of the multidisciplinary team. However, they are not always retained by the clients. Collaborative and mediation train lawyers to put on a ‘different hat’ and to explore and be aware of the emotional underpinnings of their cases. They must explore the “whys” of their clients’ instructions, rather than simply take instructions.

Even if mental health professionals are retained, family law lawyers must still conduct their cases with a kind of emotional expertise and awareness that is to be distinguished from therapists’ expertise.

Also, legal fees will increase exponentially with the “emotionality” of the case. Examples include:

• Wife finds out that her husband is having an affair with his secretary. She hires a lawyer stating: “I want to destroy him!” In this case it’s the duty, in my view, of the wife’s lawyer to explore with her the underlying reasons for her instructions and not to simply ask for a huge retainer to carry them out.
• When a husband can’t let go emotionally of his wife, therefore allowing ongoing delay in his case to the point that Court litigation must be commenced because the legal limitation period is almost up.

An example where legal fees did not escalate is the following:

The parties had had a lengthy common law relationship which had broken down irretrievably. They retained me as their mediator to help them negotiate a separation agreement. Both parties acknowledged that they were hurting emotionally. It was essential that I was always cognizant of this emotional dynamic, as it sometimes was “the elephant in the room.” I used caucusing (i.e. meeting with each party separately), as an effective way of addressing, separately each party’s emotional pain. At the same time, both were determined to be respectful of each other. They worked at resolving the legal issues in as positive and constructive a way possible. As a result, they reached solutions they both could live with. As well, their fees were cost-efficient.

One might erroneously conclude, following from my 90/10 theory, that a therapist and not a lawyer should be retained to help parties resolve their matrimonial matters. The problem with this is, while emotions color and often inform the legal matters, the issues which must be resolved are legal issues, requiring legal expertise. They include the issues of child support, spousal support, marriage contracts (“pre-nups”), distribution of property, etc.

Also, emotion directly impacts on the legal issues. For example, in the case of the wife who says she wants to destroy her husband.  She is legally entitled to spousal support. However, if she destroys her husband financially, she will get nothing!

I will be continuing to write to you about this subject, as it is in my view a phenomenon that needs to be explored in depth. Stay tuned for more to come!

Until next time!

Anne Freed holds a BA (Honours Sociology), JD (Juris Doctor, Law Degree), Master of Laws Degree (LL.M.) in Alternative Dispute Resolution, Advanced Training in Mediation, Arbitration and Collaborative Practice, Certification in Collaborative Practice

© Anne E. Freed, September 2017

www.annefreed.com